Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother — authoritarian parenting at its finest
this book was so interesting, and i took it mostly as something entertainingly serious to read as i expanded my own worldview to think about parenting, something that hasn’t even been on the margins of what i think about on a daily basis. i related to the kid; i related to the mother. guess we’re in that in-between stage right now. growing up, we saw Amy Chua as the tiger mom on tv. it was “tiger mom” versus “cat dad” (acknowledging the odd translation — this father was known to raise his children with such autonomy and gentleness) debating about the best parenting style to raise successful children by asian standards. both of these parents ended up becoming micro-celebrities because both of them had wildly successful children studded with prestigious ivy league diplomas, but their theologies obviously clashed.
Amy Chua (the author) parented Sophia and Lulu (her two Chinese/Jewish-American daughters), who were always a little bit older than me, so i remember them not just from reading this book just now, but from hearing about them when i was growing up. i just remember them with a little bit of admiration. strictness, high standards, and pain being gain is quite a harsh mentality for young kids growing up, but the principles of hard work paying off is to some extent true. i think it’s really interesting how Amy parented her kids to such an extreme way — to be the absolute best of the best, to outcompete — (in a sense i do think it’s for her own ego that she couldn’t discern lines between herself and her children, but she argues that’s the Chinese thought process) while her husband Jed (Jewish guy) disagreed but never really confronted her parenting style in the open. she put a lot of tough love, blood sweat and tears into her kids.
and now, Lulu and Sophia both completed law school, one at yale and one at harvard, so by chinese media standards (& most immediate standards), yes, extremely successful and high-achieving.
i think for everyone, there’s a different ratio of winning/losing or risk/reward in this game of life that we play. for some people, winning rarely is okay and they are still able to get excited about life and sustain this excitement over time with purpose rather than short-lived passion. for some other people, too much loss is the destruction of any confidence to continue, and winning too much results in complacency. so everyone has this sweet spot of tasting some rewards and feeling satisfaction from reaping these rewards, with as much healthy separation from the ego as possible. there are things that come with tough times, and learning to put in a little bit more energy into the process is something grounded in trust.
The Chinese model turns on achieving success. That’s how the virtuous cycle of confidence, hard work, and more success is generated. I knew that I had to make sure Lulu achieved that success — at the same level as Sophia — before it was too late.
for everyone, there’s also a different level of expectation and autonomy that is preferred (and this is probably learned through interacting with the environment). some people love a little excitement when people expect big things from them, but some other people feel stifled. the amount of freedom that your parents give you is a sign of trust, but it also doesn’t mean no expectations. and then learning to expect reasonably from yourself is an art. this is also a part of the parenting mindset.
the whole way of thinking of everyone as so different and so special by default is an American/Westernized way of thinking.
i think overall, the methodology in which Chua parents is exhausting. she sees a much deeper purpose behind micro-managing (for the lack of a better word) her kids with strict rules, arguments and fights, and no skipping violin practice for a single day, and so it comes naturally to her, as exhausting as it still is. i see that in some parts of me to want excellence and control. but at the same time, life is so much more wonderous than the piano and the violin. as a parent, i would want my kids to feel life fully and deeply, and to experience. i’m very grateful that i didn’t grow up how strictly Chua parented her kids, and learn to know this very niche definition of “success” as the only metric for life.
probably going on into attachment styles, parenting styles, etc.
i think ultimately life is too short to suffer through parenting like this. but it does demonstrate a lot of grit, and sacrifice and oddly self-deprecating humour to raise your kids so forcefully. i enjoyed reading it; reminded me of school in China (but my memories are much rosier, and i disagree with much of how Chua parents, and i also do think that perspective does shift over time; also funny thing that i read half of it in 2022 and half of it in 2024, and i think when i read it this year in 2024, and as the kids also grew older in the book, i found it to be more ridiculous). when Katrin (Chua’s sister) had the leukemia scare, it does put everything into perspective. there’s no right answer. but good read and very interesting.
interview with lulu (her second daughter) recently! https://www.pressreader.com/uk/scottish-daily-mail/20231002/282007562026949
(i think the title of the article could have been selected better though, noting the biases.)
